My Inner Monster 

I Battle Depression

Depression has shadowed my life since I was 13 years old in middle school. I would experience strong waves of sadness that I couldn’t comprehend at the time. I suffer from seasonal depression (it’s the worst during the winters for me personally because without as much sunlight, my serotonin levels decrease dramatically) , but it is still a daily struggle. Once I started high school it became much worse. (On a side note, I also have low self esteem and high anxiety so I realize that these 2 factors play a huge role in my depression as well. I do not think depression is an excuse for some of my past behavior. However, it has contributed to me missing out on important parts of my life.) During my sophomore year, I became so depressed and chose to quit fighting it. This resulted in me staying holed up in my dark room refusing to come out and interact with anyone except to eat occasionally. I missed a huge chunk of school and attempted suicide twice. To sum up: I was a constant, pathetic mess through out high school. I hate to to even think about it because I am so ashamed of my actions. I feel so guilty for everything my parents have had to deal with because of me, but I still resent being made to take anti depressants since I was 15. I do believe they have helped me some and for that, I am grateful. But they are still drugs and I truly believe that since I began taking them, my mind has become dependent on the meds. I experience even worse depression than I ever had to start off with whenever I try to gradually stop using anti depressants. I live with constant self hatred that I call “my inner monster”. This “voice” in my head is the biggest bully I will ever know. It constantly puts me down, tells me I’m worthless, and encourages my depression. To anyone, who is patient enough to read all of this- thank you! I want you all to know that I am not going to end this story with a pity party for myself or exaggerate how badly I have it. I know I am luckier than many people in this world and I am truly grateful to be alive. How I am going to end this story is by telling you guys that lately I have been fighting the beast that is my depression 🙂 ! For one, I got a job, which I never believed I would be able to do. I have been working out more: only twice a week, but I am starting off slow and my goal is to gradually get to working out 4-5 times a week! I am really trying and I want everyone who is feeling down to know that things DO get better. Be patient and dont give up!! I am always here to talk if any of you need to just vent or anything, I promise. Much love <3 Have a great day!

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